I’ve been struggling for the past six weeks.

There was no inciting moment, no massive trigger to bring this on. It just sort of settled on me and I didn’t even realize it until about two weeks in.

Usually, once I notice and identify a funk or downturn in my life, I’m pretty quick to get back on my feet. I hunt for the root of the issue, address it and then I’m able to start getting back to “normal” life (whatever that is anymore).

But this one lingered. Then made itself at home. Then started decorating this rut that I’ve been parked in.

It was maddening. I knew I was supposed to shake it off, move forward and be strong. I was supposed to keep being that example of resilience I’ve been told that I am for years.

I was supposed to, I was supposed to, I was supposed to.

But I couldn’t. I wanted to sleep all day. I wanted to hide from everybody and everything. I had fantasies of running away and disappearing into a foreign country where no one knew me and I would learn the language and local customs and find a new home.

I kept giving myself grace. It’s ok that I was sleeping more (rest is good, right?). It’s ok that my kids were largely eating take out (at least they’re eating). It’s ok that I wasn’t moving forward on a goal or dream (I was too busy sleeping anyway).

But I was, admittedly, baffled.

For the love of all things holy and sacred, I have the word “resilience” tattooed on my left arm. I’m a resilience coach. Resilience was my rallying cry! Why couldn’t I shake this one off and get on with living?

I talked to people. I opened up and told my inner circle how I was feeling. I accepted help when it was offered. I meditated and prayed. I cried and vented. And yet, I struggled.

Ugh.

It’s Sacred September! This was my month of making magic. And I wasn’t making a damn thing.

A couple weeks ago I was talking to a good friend who asked me to come on her podcast and talk about resilience (more details coming on that soon) and we got on the subject of getting tired of being resilient. I used the phrase “resilience fatigue”, not really knowing where it came from.

The phrase has lingered for me. So I started doing some research. It’s not a widely used term, but I am willing to bet a lot of you can relate to it.

According to Peter Butko of Bryter Training

What is resilience fatigue? It is the exhaustion people experience from attempting to act motivated, inspired, and positive. To keep smiling. To demonstrate how tough they are. Basically, it’s what happens when you keep the engine revving too high for too long. It's the act of trying to be resilient, which is impeding the ability to be actually be resilient.

Um, yes. And a side of fries with that DoorDash order please.

That is what I’ve been feeling. The constant grind to make things happen, keep the plates spinning, keep bouncing back… it has worn me down. I started to see the past six weeks in a different light.

I was burned out. I was run down. Too many withdrawals and not enough deposits.

When you are a single mom and everyone looks to you to fix things and solve problems and take care of them, there comes a time when you just want to say, “But who will fix my stuff, solve my problems and TAKE CARE OF ME??”

That is where I was. And that is where I have been able to begin again.

Taking a foot off the gas pedal for a little while has been good. Sinking into the need to be taken care of and asking for help from others has been a blessing too. I stopped being resilient for a little while and sort of did a mini collapse instead.

Wonder Woman let herself just be human for a while.

And I’m not rushing back to put the gold bracelets back on. I’m easing into it. One thing at a time. One minute at a time.

I’m (working on) thinking less and listening more. To my heart. To my inner wisdom. To the universe and God.

So that is where I am and my message to all you amazing women who have been dealing with life during a pandemic, parenting, working, creating, loving, living and just being you… it’s ok to let others take care of you for a little while. It’s ok to reach out and ask for help. It’s ok not to be strong all the time. To not always be resilient.

And if you’re dealing with resilience fatigue, don’t ignore it. Don’t just power through it. The only way to get past it is to recharge (or maybe even reboot) so you can get back to kicking ass and taking names.

If you need a friend, reach out to me. I’m not hard to find.

All the love and light my friends. We’re in this together.