Reconnecting

Reconnecting with something is so odd. You can think back and remember a time when you believed that you couldn’t live without something. That you wouldn’t go another day without it in your life. But then, over time, it disappears. Sometimes there’s a catalyst and sometimes there isn’t.

But reconnecting with it is strange. You do this timid dance of testing it out again. Almost like you don’t believe it’s real. And then you find your groove and it comes back. Like it never left.

This is what I’ve been going through the past few weeks. Going back on stage was a huge decision for me. I stopped because I was told I had to. That it didn’t fit with my life anymore. That I had to choose other things. So I did because I thought it was the right thing to do.

But, I missed it. And the auditioning process was strange, yet familiar. I was nervous. More nervous than I have been in a long time. You have to understand… I don’t usually get nervous before performing. I just do it. It’s unreal that an introvert like me has no issues going up in front of a big group of people and speaking or performing, but that’s me.

Anyway, I was nervous in a way I hadn’t been before. I know then that this meant a lot to me. A whole lot. I wanted to be back on stage. A door I thought was closed was suddenly cracked open again. Then, I was cast.

Cue a whole new level of terror. This director saw something in me. Something that others had told me was nonexistent. He SAW me. And that means that other people were going to see me. I was suddenly very vulnerable.

Some rehearsals feel good. Others are terrible. That’s the way it is. The best you can do is to bring your energy and see what happens. Because your fellow cast mates are counting on you. The director is counting on you. The audience will be counting on you.

So, I’m counting on myself. And the rest will come.